Our dual nature in love

In the absence of a good woman in my life, though I still do feel like a man, it's often painfully clear that I'm a man alone. I feel I belong in love, sharing life with my mate. In the absence of a good woman, my own womanly side comes out. When I'm with a good woman, I can truly express my maleness, which is really our maleness - as she expresses our feminine side. We both share the duality, and express what is natural for us. It's almost as if we are two halves of one, and we express our polarity on behalf of the both of us.

Partying in Cancun

Phil Dimartino, Brent Payne, Mike Peiman, and Shane Krider enjoying a warm tequila night in Cancun, October 2005.

"If only I knew then..."

".. what I know now"

How often have we said this, or felt something similar? If it were possible, would we really make better decisions? Would that put us in a better position now?

Let's consider it is possible. I think the answers are "Yes and Yes". I think that inside each of us, our younger selves are still alive in some way, just as we were then. Or if not our younger selves, at least the decisions that they made. Now, what if we truly could bring our understanding and wisdom to those younger selves? What results would that bring?

I was lying in bed tonight, contemplating scenes from my past. As an aid to sleep, I decided to count back from 100. I had an idea to try something new; to imagine or remember some positive scene at each count. I made it to 49 before I got up for a glass of wine. Many of the scenes which came up were positive, though a few carried darker experiences. All were from the past. I remembered scenes - and feelings - which I had not experienced in years. Many of them were amazingly vivid -

washing the vomit from my first girlfriend's dress in the kitchen sink at my parent's house on prom night, in the wee hours, as my girlfriend was passed out drunk in a tent in the backyard. I remember the black dye of the dress coloring the water that I washed it in. I remember the patient smile, the wry humor of the situation, and mostly the love I felt for her then

the hallways of my highschool. Seeing that same girlfriend in smart grey slacks which showed off her ass fabulously. Pants I'd hand my hands in many times, many places. I remember seeing her bounce up, I remember her smile and my own. I remember

those hallways, those classrooms. (Wow, there were actually all those different rooms my school experiences took places in) I remember the confusion at the start of the year, locating new classrooms. Carrying stacks of books, or a backpack. Sitting in sociology class and drawing my dream home - a spired castle with machine-gun batteries defending it. (My teacher suggested that towers or any tall, narrow objects occording to Freudian theory would be a phallic symbol. In retrospect, the machine-gun defenses I employed said much more) I remember

the scratch I got playing tag in the woods when I was maybe 10 or so. I was amazed at the strange duality of so much blood without pain or upset. The scar that for some reason I've always loved, fondling the ridge of scar tissue over the years



I noticed that there were places I was reluctant to go - places that were dark to me, in vision-memory or feeling-memory. I realized that I don't remember the vast majority of my life - including some pretty major decisions I made and conclusions I came to about life and myself. And I saw the distinct possibility that I could go back and relive my past in memory - bringing the awareness of today. I could remember and understand how I came to be who I am, and why. And in understanding, and bringing understanding to my decisions of the past, I can be free of them, or at least, free with them.

Beauty in a beautiful town

Whistler is truly a beautiful place. I took a walk today, restless again in my seeming indecision about work. I love going for walks, they really give me a sense of peace and increased clarity. I've been exploring Whistler more lately, seeing and inhabiting more nooks and crannies and hidden corners - getting to know my new home. It's good to know the place you live by actually walking the ground and experiencing the surroundings.

I sat by a picturesque waterfalls and stream that winds its way through town. I went into an art gallery and enjoyed gazing upon many truly beautiful and brilliant creations. I ducked into a small corner of undeveloped woodlot near the marketplace and enjoyed the sheltered grove - reminded me very much of the woods I grew up in back home. Except for the trash and litter. It takes me by surprise, how careless people can be, leaving their trash in the most beautiful natural settings (let alone anywhere). Last night's post about cleanliness and how it relates to awareness and care bears exactly on this situation. I decided that I wanted to clean it up, but not right then and there. So I walked.

After enjoying my amble through the woods - pleasantly surprised at myself then, that I could put the trash mostly out of my mind and be present to the natural beauty of it - I sat down and considered the trash. It was fairly extensive, scattered over a large area, and beyond the myriad bits and pieces left behind by careless folk were at least a couple of full garbage bags apparently ripped apart by wildlife. It was more than I wanted to tackle immediately, so I considered coming back with a pair of work gloves and a few bags. As I was about to leave, I realized that I had to do something for my own peace of mind - it occurred to me that if everyone who came into that special place were to leave it a little better than they found it, it would soon be litter-free again. I picked up a bag that was part of the litter - now served to de-litter the area - and began picking things up. When I was done, I'd cleared everything I noticed from a fairly sizable area, mostly filling my garbage bag. Looking at my handiwork, I felt good. The really cool thing was, it was just like I wrote last night - recognizing my own values and appreciation of the place, anonymously cleaning up litter was not really work. Made me think back to all those "chores" I resisted so vehemently when I was a child. I think there's something profound to learn here, I'm not sure what it is yet.

The case for cleanliness

I just wish people would pay a little more attention, just take a bit of care in doing things. I've come to believe that there's a world of difference between taking a minimal amount of care and being utterly careless in doing things. I've heard the complaint, and had it levelled against me a few times, that "people live differently, when you share the same space, you've got to allow for differences." True enough, but why does this seem to tend to the lowest common denominator? Why should people who value care and cleanliness have to have someone else's carelessness and filth in their shared space?

Let's consider that the natural state of built spaces (homes for example) is to be clean and orderly. They're built that way; bits of debris are a necessary part of the process, but not native to the space, and not to remain there. Mess and disorder are simply the result of action, just as cleanliness and order are. Let's face it, if we bring things into a space, if we use things, then things will get disorderly. If we create messes, things will get messy. But it was our effort and action that created that. If actions are taken with care, then it's no more an effort to clean and order things after use.

In a physical, muscular sense, there's no appreciable difference in the efforts expended - more mess one time, more order another. The effort then is really in our mind, and what does that say about our attitudes and values? And especially, about our level of awareness of our being and our actions, moment-to-moment? I guess that the case I'm making is that entropy is just a state of mind. In nature, life is seen to be self-organizing. It's only the chaotic, unconscious part of ourselves that makes day-to-day human life seem any other way. When we awaken to ourselves, again we're aware of the innate order of life, and the essence of taking care - being simultaneously aware of ourselves and our actions in the moment, as well as the consequences of our actions in time.

And after all that, what I'm really saying is clean up after yourselves, guys! And make sure to leave the washcloths hanging clean. I hate filthy, cold, wet washcloths. Ugh.

My experiences with Liberty League International

I was just doing some of my usual random internet browsing, and came across a forum thread on Liberty League International, a network marketing company I got involved with three years ago, which constituted a major chapter and turning point in my life. I broke off my involvement with that business two years ago, and this is the first time I’ve written in detail about my experiences with that. In this post, I’ll summarize the details of the extent of my involvement, my results, my opinions and views of the company itself, as well as the associated income opportunity. I’ll conclude with an explanation of the positive things which have come about as a result of this experience.

I want to mention where I’m coming from with this article. My intention is to present the above-described details as clearly and honestly as possible. My intention is not to blame Liberty League for any results I obtained; from the start, I’ve recognized that I’m responsible for my own choices, actions, and results. At the same time, I will point out where I feel the company and the opportunity are lacking.

The facts of my participation:

• I was an active associate for 1 full year
• I dropped my second year of college (a good program in massage therapy) to work this business
• I spent my student loans, borrowed large sums from my parents and friends, and bought all three products (BF, Liberty and Summit Conferences)
• I spent thousands on marketing, and made thousands of prospecting phone calls over that year
• I invested hundreds of hours listening and participating in conference training calls
• I spent thousands in travel to four company events

In the year I was involved with LLI:

• I made one qualifying sale. In short, I never made a dollar
• My total debt from the venture is well over $100k (in addition to pre-existing college debt)

Admittedly, I could have been much more frugal in my spending, but I bought into a prevalent hype of "live like you're wealthy now, the money will follow." So I spent borrowed money recklessly. I was naive, and it was hard lessons learned, after the fact. Based on interactions and conversations with other associates, I was not alone in my experience of this, nor of the statements which follow.

Why did I not succeed?

1. I bought into "get-rich-quick" & "live like you're wealthy now - the money will follow" hype - not conducive to building trust in myself or others. Most people seem to have more common sense.

2. I had poor sales skills in this industry. Though I relate very well to people when I'm authentically being myself, when I'm representing what I believe in, no matter how I struggled, and how many thousands of calls I made, I could not own the script, the pitch, or the prescribed hard-ass salesman attitudes. As for specific results, I had roughly 4-5 dozen people in that year give me a definite "Yes, I'm in!" None of these ever followed through (the one qualifying sale I made didn't fit this category). You may analyze this to my personality however you will.

3. The products are incredibly overpriced. The Beyond Freedom program is not without value - actually, I found it to assist in definite positive change - just not nearly the price assigned to it. Whatever justifications are employed, there are not many who deep down won't feel out of integrity on this. Although I was new to the personal development industry when I began this venture, I think I knew deep down this product was way too expensive. As one example of value-for-money: take the Landmark Forum, a (roughly) $500 course, 3 days in-person, which for 90%+ of participants is one of the most positively profound, life-changing (and lasting) experiences ever (no kidding, that stat is from an independent survey of participants. Landmark Education is real-deal personal transformation). How can a $1500 CD + workbook course compare to that? (it’d have to be pretty damn fantastic). And there are many other diverse options in the marketplace for personal growth.

Those are the main reasons for my failure in this business that I see from a personal point of view. As for the company's character, I discovered LLI and got involved believing that it truly was a wonderful, life-changing opportunity, for myself and others. The life-changing part was accurate for myself (in different ways). The wonderful part was not all wrong - the ideal the company is founded on is admirable as an idea, but unfortunately, was corrupted by excessive hype. The claim that the company’s business model is product-driven is weak at best, and an outright lie at worst. The common exception given to prove this rule is that the BF product is sold straight-up to people with no interest in the income opportunity. This may happen, but if so, it is a rare occurrence. As I mentioned, the BF product is flat-out way overpriced compared to other options in the marketplace for producing positive change and self-improvement. Almost everyone gets involved with LLI to get a slice of the inflated commissions, which produces a business culture where the product is an afterthought with over-hyped benefits.

The other downside of LLI culture is that is promotes excessively narcissistic, elitist, exclusionary attitudes. The prescribed sales attitude involves a sense of "if they don't immediately want to buy in, if they ask the wrong questions, they're losers". This attitude is antagonistic to general goodwill amongst people. The “marketing training” in general also promotes a dogmatic zealousness amongst associates. This doesn't apply necessarily to everyone involved in LLI - but to the greater majority. Emulation of the income-leaders’ actions is highly encouraged, rather than deep personal growth and change from within. It’s an “outside-in” approach to sales, contrary to Liberty League’s own “inside-out” personal development ideology. Where attitudes are prescribed without a corresponding wisdom through direct personal experience, even the highest ideals may be perverted.

SUMMARY:

To summarize my view of LLI, two years after I ceased my involvement: The company is ostensibly founded on worthy ideals, and does offer real value. However, the ideals are corrupted by hype and greed, and the value is heavily inflated. As is the nature of the MLM/Network marketing business model, the top few percent of people make great incomes, another few percent make decent incomes, and the rest make very little or nothing. I invested more and persisted longer than many, and did my damndest best to be trainable and “follow the system”, and ultimately finished up with zero income.

As a sidebar, my own advisor in the business (the fellow I initially called, purchased products from, and relied on for training) was a member of the Executive Marketing Council, and was a speaker at some of the events and conferences. In short, one of the elite. Shortly before he left the company due to his growing sense that the business and leadership were out of integrity (after I’d already quit my involvement), he upgraded my status to Summit Advisor – this means if I made any sales, I’d immediately earn a $1000, $5000, or $8000 commission. I still chose not to market this opportunity any more; in good conscience, I couldn’t. On a personal note, I’ve remained good friends with him – one of the positive things which resulted from my involvement.

A few of the biggest positives I took from the experience:

My first introduction to LLI was very powerful, because it gave me a brand new possibility: that of getting rich, working for myself, doing work I love, ad benefiting others at the same time (this is the LLI ideal I speak of, which unfortunately has fallen victim to hype and greed). Though I left LLI, I keep this possibility, and it empowers me in my current business plans underway which are truly in line with my values and passions (quick examples: snowboarding, nature, and fitness). Though the substantial financial debts I bear are a burden and a stress, I also find them to be a strong motivation to pursue my goals and realize my dreams.

LLI also spurred dramatic change in my life; I did benefit through positive practices from Beyond Freedom (journaling, meditation and visualization, goal-setting, health), but much more significantly, through LLI I was introduced to profound personal growth with Landmark Education. My experiences with Landmark courses have been truly transformative. My understanding of self and others has expanded dramatically, as has my self-expression in many social-and-relationship settings. I’ve had a persistent increase in peace of mind and freedom from fear. One of the most significant benefits has been the courage to pursue my dreams, and the direct knowledge that anything I want to achieve really is possible - this being evidenced in my day-to-day life as I actively pursue, and see being realized, career and business goals which in the past I would not have believed possible. Taking necessary actions also involves much less struggle than it used to.

The failure of my business, coinciding with a devastating breakup of a long-term love relationship and the deep personal growth I was doing with Landmark, resulted in a period of intense soul-searching. This led me to where I am now – living in Whistler, BC (my personal Mecca). I’m now immersed in a lifestyle I truly love, happy, and seeing real-world results of many inspiring ideas coming together into my new career and life path.

An evening walk with the bears

Had a nice little hike this evening. Needed to think, and with flatmates around watching tv, this little apartment isn't the best place for peace of mind. So I put on a sweater and went for a stroll down the street. I began talking myself through my work & career dilemma - the dilemma being balancing work/satisfaction/money/goals progress. I noticed that I was really enjoying the walk, and decided to do a longish hike partway up Blackcomb mountain, across, and down another run.

On the way up I had the pleasure of passing closely by a couple of deer, even pausing a couple minutes to watch one feeding. I was probably within 15 yards as I sat back on my haunches, watching him feed and chatting to myself and the deer. I also spotted a huge black bear through a gap in the trees, well away on the next run over; he paused and looked at me, I looked back, then kept hiking up.

As the sun set and the light began to fade, I had some minor concerns about the wildlife. Earlier this week I read an article about a cougar encounter-and-pursuit of a mountain biker nearby (which ended without incident). Of course, I knew that cougar encounters here are uncommon, black bears are relatively non-aggressive, and besides, I'm a peaceful being, in harmony with nature (do wild animals respect that viewpoint?)

My concerns grew on the way down the mountain, as I noticed two or three bears aways down the run below me. The evening light was fading fast into the darkness of night. As I approached the animals, I was relieved to see that it was two bears, not three - what I'd thought might be a third was (thankfully) a black snowmaking pad against the trees on the side of the run. If it had been a bear as well, that would have entailed me passing amongst the animals, almost certainly between a mama bear and cubs - not mama's favorite scenario, nor mine.

I'd picked up a piece of bamboo on the way down, for my own psychological reassurance more than anything. The two bears were centre-left on the run as I approached, one larger than the other, which I guessed was mama. The path I took was far right, within a few strides of the trees, to avoid alarming them - or so I hoped. Turns out these bears were more easily alarmed than I expected. As I came up alongside them, perhaps 30 yards away, they looked up, looked at each other, and began to run towards me. My heart surged. "Whoa-o-o guys!" I said to them. I had a brief vision of fending them both off - I'd always wondered how it would be to fight a bear, whether I was up for the challenge. Here was my chance to find out.

But in fact, as they passed by a few paces in front of me, gently grunting in what I interpreted as fear themselves, I realized that this wasn't mama and cubs - this was two cubs, running to safety - to mama.

The question immediately came to mind: "Where's mama bear now?"

I walked more quickly down the hill from there, turning occasionally to see if any wild animals had taken a sustained interest in me. To my relief, that didn't seem to be the case. I did see one more huge bear down below, fairly close to where I'd meant to hike, but happily, there was an alternate dirt-and-rock route off to the side. I finished off my hike without further incident, and have decided that henceforth, I'll be conducting my mountain hiking activities in daylight.

Big Mind with Genpo Roshi

Foreword: just watched and went through a DVD of Genpo Roshi conducting a Big Mind seminar. It involved shifting perspectives and speaking from different aspect of the self as different voices. Here's what I found:

(as the voice of fear) What am I afraid of? I'm afraid that if I appear fearless, I won't get any sympathy or support, and then if I fall down, there will be noone there to catch me or help me up again. And then I will be all alone and afraid and miserable, and unloved. That will prove I am unloved. So I need to settle for the next best thing, and get sympathy, even empathy for my doubts and insecurities and fears. And that placates me, but leaves me still always afraid that without fear, I will be left alone. Afraid to find out who I could be without fear. Afraid to be disappointed by others, but moreso, afraid that I AM a disappointment - to others and to myself.

As the victim, I am the keeper of the story. I/Self get sympathy and attention for that.

As the damaged self, I'm unclean, not right, filthy, nasty, bad. I'm a bad boy. (I'm used as the excuse for myself not succeeding. I take every dagger and bullet. I'm a hero, completely unappreciated. There's no glory in it. The victim tells my story, I just take the damage. I am so tough and strong. And the self keeps trying to fix me! What a waste of time. I'm just gonna keep taking damage, jumping in front of insults and arrows to protect the other selves - to keep them perfect and whole.

As the Fixer, I'll actually break something after I've fixed it, so I can fix it better. (oh so true! picking scabs a perfect example, hair-pulling, cheek-chewing). I can fix anything! And I love tools (and there's always a better tool). I'm a perfectionist too. It kinda sucks that none of my fixes will ever last - as nothing lasts forever, even though I'm a Master Fixer.

As the vulnerable child, I'm angry that you all haven't taken better care of me. I've been hurt, my feelings have been ignored and trampled on! And none of this was explained to me well enough, I don't understand it, and then people make fun of me for that.
Actually, the damaged self has been hurt, the victim has been ignored and trampled on. As the vulnerable child, I am unharmed... so what do I offer the self? I offer endless possibilities, hopes, and dreams. I offer fun and laughter and joy. Boundless love. Aliveness. Truth and spellbinding beauty.
Distinguishing the vulnerable child is difficult because I (self) have notions and stories (victim) about the vulnerable child.
As this child, I have endless imagination and joy in the moment. Endless possibilities await. Timelessness is part of my way of being. I have trust and love for my fellowman, and woman. I am free and courageous. All my other voices have grown up around me to protect me. All so the core of me, my heart, remains unblemished and pure and true. I've really done a good job - all those voices that grew into "the real world" - I've done a good job of protecting myself. I love those other aspects of myself, thank you all so much! You've done a really great job.

As the voice of desire, I want. I never get enough, always want more. I yearn. More, better, different. I am the motivation. I live for the moment. I am insatiable. I am secretive - I don't want people to know how strong and naked I am. Buddha said that I am the cause of suffering. But if it weren't for me, where would myself be right now? Still working at P&H back in Hanover. And what of the human race? I am the agent of evolution. I do battle with The Controller, blatantly or furtively.
How is it that I cause suffering? I ignore the other aspects of myself. I attach to things that are pleasurable, and desire things that bring pleasure. I don't desire what brings pain or discomfort (and so exclude aspects of reality and so create imbalance).

As the seeking mind - I seek. I search for truth, answers, a way, an experience, meaning, purpose, satisfaction, happiness. I seek what I desire. I am the navigator for the mission, for the search. And I never stop at finding something, I keep seeking. I see further than desire.

As the mind that seeks the way - I look for a way to get where I want to go. I know there is a way. I haven't quite found it yet. I have patience, though it be tested by my quest. What is the way that I seek? The way to knowing my true self, experiencing the true reality. By seeking purpose and meaning, I give purpose and meaning to the self. When I (the mind that seeks the way) am awakened, I gives meaning and purpose to the self, to life. I give the self direction. When I (as the self, now) was 14 or so, I desired to be cool for many reasons. When I was 17 in Sociology, I learned to seek for answers inside myself. When I was 20, I read the Tao Te Ching and discovered that I was on a spiritual path - that is, seeking the way. That is when I (the mind that seeks the way) was awakened. In 20 years, I'll still be seeking the way - but I will have found new, better, more beautiful ways and paths for the self to follow in the meantime. I also offer non-attachment, because I will always keep seeking.

As the follower of the way - I follow the way. I need to understand the way. Or at least see the tracks to it. I am good at distinguishing what will move me along the way, and what will take me off track. Some of my other aspects try and get in my way - controller, protector, fear. I've gotta just keep up, keep following. I need, and have, faith and trust to do this. In order to follow, I surrender, I submit. I surrender fear, control, desires, certainty, attachment to what it should look like. Life is simple. I have boundless faith.

As The Way - I am. There's nothing to do. I am in every moment.Everything perfectly in its place. I am infinite and eternal. The seeking mind seeks me, the following mind follows me. I love them and honor them. In any position, I am free. Peace is here. I am always here. I have compassion for those other voices, other aspects. For other people, and all life really. No judgements. Almost no concentration - just a hint of attention to be aware of me. The seeking takes so much effort, not the being. I see all those other aspects, but they don't all see me, and they don't seem to know me. I'm right here, any time you stop and be. And all those other times - I'm here and there too.

As Big Mind. What are my limits? Maybe none. Maybe it's the edges of inifinity where I can no longer see. It's all me, it's all there, nothing to do with it. What do I see in looking at the self? A framework on which hangs emptiness.All the ideas "me" has are pretty funny. The self wants to make me its own. Pretty funny there too. But that framework can't embrace me. It requires formlessness to encompass the universe, All-That-Is. Even if the self got to be the size of the universe, I'll still be here, formless, timeless.

As Big Heart. Where Big Mind is formless and emptiness, I am all form. I include all things. I AM the substance and essence of all things. It is me, I am it. Much more colorful than Big Mind. All is always forgiven, never wrong to begin with. All is loved.I am order, harmony.

As Yin - feminine. Yin compassion. All is equal, I love all equally, and include all. Doing what I do for the damaged self - you are not separate - you do not have wounds, you are not covered in filth and slime that I love - I AM all of those things. It is all love.

As Yang - masculine compassion. I am all strength, all motion. I am the glory of all victories. I eliminate obstacles. I embody the virtues of structure and order. I offer discipline when appropriate. To the self - whatever it needs - I offer dignity, honor, respect, completion.

As integrated compassion - Yin/Yang Big Heart. I am balance. Flexibility. I give appropriately - what is needed and when it's needed.

The Master speaks. I know I am smaller than All-That-Is - just a part of it really. But I bring together all these aspects, I integrate, and I choose where to go, what to do, how to respond. I am always awake, though sometimes it seems not - like there is a fog in the way.I choose. I am powerful.

As the integrated, free-functioning human being. I am all aspects working together harmoniously, freely choosing, aware, capable, full of heart. Infinity striving to touch itself, so it seems to me.

Still afraid to show myself

Apparently so... thought I had it beat. But I was just listening to the introductory disc in my new "Integral Life Practice Kit", the volume was up and the narrator was speaking about Spirit, and I became very uncomfortable with the idea of my flatmate in the kitchen on the other side of my door hearing this audio about Spirit coming from my room.

After facing another question, I am relieved to see that at other times, no, I'm not just "pretending not to hide" when I make those efforts to show myself; I'm actually, in reality, showing and sharing myself. That puts this in perspective; the sheer reflexive force of my emotional reaction shocked me. I immediately hit "pause" on the audio so I could lower the volume, and practically curled up into a ball sitting on my stool here, bent over and tucked my shoulders forward as I quieted down the "weird" talk of God and spirit.

Weirdness is near the heart of it. Don't want others to think I'm too weird, so I hide myself - because of course, I am very weird. How long has it been like this? I don't even know. I do remember being about 13-14 years old and deciding that I wanted to be cool - I knew I wasn't, and it looked like the solution to all my problems. Well, this presented another problem. Not becoming "cool"; I'd decided on that path, and did pretty well with that over the years. More immediately pressing though, was that cool people had opinions, beliefs, personalities. I was surprised to find when I looked closely, that it was a rare opinion I espoused that actually came from me. I caught myself in contradictions and confusion in my awkward conversations, because I didn't know, let alone really believe, what I was saying. So, first task in becoming cool was to get some opinions, and all the other trappings of identity (a "cool" identity, anyhow). More big awakenings were to come over the years, as I grew into dimensions far beyond my aspirations to become a cool kid.

But I had difficult times even before those angst-filled teenage years. Knowing myself as a pariah, an outcast, being incredibly socially naive; seeing huge rifts in my parent's relationship. Of note would be around the age of 11, when I decided that I could no longer count on my mother for emotional support, as she was in dire need of some herself. I also realized (or decided) that I had no friends at school, just my two best on my rural street. At the same time on a couple of occasions, experiencing terrible shame in circumstances having to do with my mother - one, being taunted mercilessly at school and defending her to tears, and two, having a necklace torn off while roughhousing, a necklace she gave me that I considered precious and invaluable - gold with two birthstone pendants. Lost in the dirt, and an incredible tantrum on my part that got me kicked off and banned from a neighbor's property. That one was probably in my 10th year, actually.

If I had to peg a year, it would be my 11th year, grade six, when I turtled. Withdrew into my shell, never to be the same again. With a lot of work sticking my neck out to come back into group relationship and social awareness. And self-awareness, of course.

And to wrap this long post up, returning to where I started, isn't it lovely that I've discovered a shadow aspect, a trigger, a place I get stopped - I've turned over a rock and shone the light into the darkness.

After that flowery prose, to sum it up: I've become present to another piece of my unconsciousness.

Productivity and happiness, doing and being

Productivity has got me a long way. Combined with a commitment to honor the passions in my life, it's gotten me to where I am now - immersed in a lifestyle, culture, and activities I love. But perhaps a time has come for me to shift my focus back to happiness. If I were to point to a time when I made that transition of values, it'd be a little over four years since I decided "things have got to change, this job (this lifestyle) is killing my soul, I need to put in some work to change my life circumstances and so find the full joy and creativity I know I'm capable of." SO I went forth and produced results - some good, some great, and some dismal failure. But again, after all is said and done, it has gotten me far, gotten me here, to this place - literally and metaphorically - that I love. And I find myself, after riding that drive to productivity, immersed in my passions, my happiness.

Is it time to transition again, from productivity back to happiness? Maybe on the other side, I'll find that mythic place called "flow", where right actions effortlessly follows "right being" - joy, presence, and peace. Or let's say "that natural place" called Flow. Because immersed in passions, practiced in balanced action, shouldn't it be natural for us to fall into a rhythm so effortless it seems magic? When you do what you love, they say, when you surrender to the flow of life, action and stillness, the money will follow. If clearing my debts will rid of stress and give me peace and creative opportunity, I've heard it said that I should first step into Being peaceful, I need to raise of awareness of and appreciation for the boundless opportunity around me now. While I've tried that as a dedicated method - taking on ways of being deliberately - in my general life experience, I prefer that time-weathered maxim "do what you love and the money will follow". And I'm viewing that "money" loosely, more as an energy variable; could be financial, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. And importantly, as Being. Could it be that right Doing can lead to right Being, not just the other way around? Lends new meaning to the phrase "just do it."

And to sum it up: just be it, just do it, it's all good. Just love it and enjoy it.