Big Mind with Genpo Roshi

Foreword: just watched and went through a DVD of Genpo Roshi conducting a Big Mind seminar. It involved shifting perspectives and speaking from different aspect of the self as different voices. Here's what I found:

(as the voice of fear) What am I afraid of? I'm afraid that if I appear fearless, I won't get any sympathy or support, and then if I fall down, there will be noone there to catch me or help me up again. And then I will be all alone and afraid and miserable, and unloved. That will prove I am unloved. So I need to settle for the next best thing, and get sympathy, even empathy for my doubts and insecurities and fears. And that placates me, but leaves me still always afraid that without fear, I will be left alone. Afraid to find out who I could be without fear. Afraid to be disappointed by others, but moreso, afraid that I AM a disappointment - to others and to myself.

As the victim, I am the keeper of the story. I/Self get sympathy and attention for that.

As the damaged self, I'm unclean, not right, filthy, nasty, bad. I'm a bad boy. (I'm used as the excuse for myself not succeeding. I take every dagger and bullet. I'm a hero, completely unappreciated. There's no glory in it. The victim tells my story, I just take the damage. I am so tough and strong. And the self keeps trying to fix me! What a waste of time. I'm just gonna keep taking damage, jumping in front of insults and arrows to protect the other selves - to keep them perfect and whole.

As the Fixer, I'll actually break something after I've fixed it, so I can fix it better. (oh so true! picking scabs a perfect example, hair-pulling, cheek-chewing). I can fix anything! And I love tools (and there's always a better tool). I'm a perfectionist too. It kinda sucks that none of my fixes will ever last - as nothing lasts forever, even though I'm a Master Fixer.

As the vulnerable child, I'm angry that you all haven't taken better care of me. I've been hurt, my feelings have been ignored and trampled on! And none of this was explained to me well enough, I don't understand it, and then people make fun of me for that.
Actually, the damaged self has been hurt, the victim has been ignored and trampled on. As the vulnerable child, I am unharmed... so what do I offer the self? I offer endless possibilities, hopes, and dreams. I offer fun and laughter and joy. Boundless love. Aliveness. Truth and spellbinding beauty.
Distinguishing the vulnerable child is difficult because I (self) have notions and stories (victim) about the vulnerable child.
As this child, I have endless imagination and joy in the moment. Endless possibilities await. Timelessness is part of my way of being. I have trust and love for my fellowman, and woman. I am free and courageous. All my other voices have grown up around me to protect me. All so the core of me, my heart, remains unblemished and pure and true. I've really done a good job - all those voices that grew into "the real world" - I've done a good job of protecting myself. I love those other aspects of myself, thank you all so much! You've done a really great job.

As the voice of desire, I want. I never get enough, always want more. I yearn. More, better, different. I am the motivation. I live for the moment. I am insatiable. I am secretive - I don't want people to know how strong and naked I am. Buddha said that I am the cause of suffering. But if it weren't for me, where would myself be right now? Still working at P&H back in Hanover. And what of the human race? I am the agent of evolution. I do battle with The Controller, blatantly or furtively.
How is it that I cause suffering? I ignore the other aspects of myself. I attach to things that are pleasurable, and desire things that bring pleasure. I don't desire what brings pain or discomfort (and so exclude aspects of reality and so create imbalance).

As the seeking mind - I seek. I search for truth, answers, a way, an experience, meaning, purpose, satisfaction, happiness. I seek what I desire. I am the navigator for the mission, for the search. And I never stop at finding something, I keep seeking. I see further than desire.

As the mind that seeks the way - I look for a way to get where I want to go. I know there is a way. I haven't quite found it yet. I have patience, though it be tested by my quest. What is the way that I seek? The way to knowing my true self, experiencing the true reality. By seeking purpose and meaning, I give purpose and meaning to the self. When I (the mind that seeks the way) am awakened, I gives meaning and purpose to the self, to life. I give the self direction. When I (as the self, now) was 14 or so, I desired to be cool for many reasons. When I was 17 in Sociology, I learned to seek for answers inside myself. When I was 20, I read the Tao Te Ching and discovered that I was on a spiritual path - that is, seeking the way. That is when I (the mind that seeks the way) was awakened. In 20 years, I'll still be seeking the way - but I will have found new, better, more beautiful ways and paths for the self to follow in the meantime. I also offer non-attachment, because I will always keep seeking.

As the follower of the way - I follow the way. I need to understand the way. Or at least see the tracks to it. I am good at distinguishing what will move me along the way, and what will take me off track. Some of my other aspects try and get in my way - controller, protector, fear. I've gotta just keep up, keep following. I need, and have, faith and trust to do this. In order to follow, I surrender, I submit. I surrender fear, control, desires, certainty, attachment to what it should look like. Life is simple. I have boundless faith.

As The Way - I am. There's nothing to do. I am in every moment.Everything perfectly in its place. I am infinite and eternal. The seeking mind seeks me, the following mind follows me. I love them and honor them. In any position, I am free. Peace is here. I am always here. I have compassion for those other voices, other aspects. For other people, and all life really. No judgements. Almost no concentration - just a hint of attention to be aware of me. The seeking takes so much effort, not the being. I see all those other aspects, but they don't all see me, and they don't seem to know me. I'm right here, any time you stop and be. And all those other times - I'm here and there too.

As Big Mind. What are my limits? Maybe none. Maybe it's the edges of inifinity where I can no longer see. It's all me, it's all there, nothing to do with it. What do I see in looking at the self? A framework on which hangs emptiness.All the ideas "me" has are pretty funny. The self wants to make me its own. Pretty funny there too. But that framework can't embrace me. It requires formlessness to encompass the universe, All-That-Is. Even if the self got to be the size of the universe, I'll still be here, formless, timeless.

As Big Heart. Where Big Mind is formless and emptiness, I am all form. I include all things. I AM the substance and essence of all things. It is me, I am it. Much more colorful than Big Mind. All is always forgiven, never wrong to begin with. All is loved.I am order, harmony.

As Yin - feminine. Yin compassion. All is equal, I love all equally, and include all. Doing what I do for the damaged self - you are not separate - you do not have wounds, you are not covered in filth and slime that I love - I AM all of those things. It is all love.

As Yang - masculine compassion. I am all strength, all motion. I am the glory of all victories. I eliminate obstacles. I embody the virtues of structure and order. I offer discipline when appropriate. To the self - whatever it needs - I offer dignity, honor, respect, completion.

As integrated compassion - Yin/Yang Big Heart. I am balance. Flexibility. I give appropriately - what is needed and when it's needed.

The Master speaks. I know I am smaller than All-That-Is - just a part of it really. But I bring together all these aspects, I integrate, and I choose where to go, what to do, how to respond. I am always awake, though sometimes it seems not - like there is a fog in the way.I choose. I am powerful.

As the integrated, free-functioning human being. I am all aspects working together harmoniously, freely choosing, aware, capable, full of heart. Infinity striving to touch itself, so it seems to me.