"If only I knew then..."

".. what I know now"

How often have we said this, or felt something similar? If it were possible, would we really make better decisions? Would that put us in a better position now?

Let's consider it is possible. I think the answers are "Yes and Yes". I think that inside each of us, our younger selves are still alive in some way, just as we were then. Or if not our younger selves, at least the decisions that they made. Now, what if we truly could bring our understanding and wisdom to those younger selves? What results would that bring?

I was lying in bed tonight, contemplating scenes from my past. As an aid to sleep, I decided to count back from 100. I had an idea to try something new; to imagine or remember some positive scene at each count. I made it to 49 before I got up for a glass of wine. Many of the scenes which came up were positive, though a few carried darker experiences. All were from the past. I remembered scenes - and feelings - which I had not experienced in years. Many of them were amazingly vivid -

washing the vomit from my first girlfriend's dress in the kitchen sink at my parent's house on prom night, in the wee hours, as my girlfriend was passed out drunk in a tent in the backyard. I remember the black dye of the dress coloring the water that I washed it in. I remember the patient smile, the wry humor of the situation, and mostly the love I felt for her then

the hallways of my highschool. Seeing that same girlfriend in smart grey slacks which showed off her ass fabulously. Pants I'd hand my hands in many times, many places. I remember seeing her bounce up, I remember her smile and my own. I remember

those hallways, those classrooms. (Wow, there were actually all those different rooms my school experiences took places in) I remember the confusion at the start of the year, locating new classrooms. Carrying stacks of books, or a backpack. Sitting in sociology class and drawing my dream home - a spired castle with machine-gun batteries defending it. (My teacher suggested that towers or any tall, narrow objects occording to Freudian theory would be a phallic symbol. In retrospect, the machine-gun defenses I employed said much more) I remember

the scratch I got playing tag in the woods when I was maybe 10 or so. I was amazed at the strange duality of so much blood without pain or upset. The scar that for some reason I've always loved, fondling the ridge of scar tissue over the years



I noticed that there were places I was reluctant to go - places that were dark to me, in vision-memory or feeling-memory. I realized that I don't remember the vast majority of my life - including some pretty major decisions I made and conclusions I came to about life and myself. And I saw the distinct possibility that I could go back and relive my past in memory - bringing the awareness of today. I could remember and understand how I came to be who I am, and why. And in understanding, and bringing understanding to my decisions of the past, I can be free of them, or at least, free with them.